S.H.I.E.L.D. Human Resources
((this is the part where I’ll admit I’ve been trying to post this for three days but I keep breaking down and crying because I’m actually amazed that I reached this and the fact that this many of you actually think I’m witty because I’m really not and I’m crying again but I have to just post this because you guys are amazing and I’m really in a constant state of disbelief and hopefully I can get this computer to cooperate long enough to post paperwork tomorrow but lord almighty I just can’t with you guys I love you all thank you so much))

((this is the part where I’ll admit I’ve been trying to post this for three days but I keep breaking down and crying because I’m actually amazed that I reached this and the fact that this many of you actually think I’m witty because I’m really not and I’m crying again but I have to just post this because you guys are amazing and I’m really in a constant state of disbelief and hopefully I can get this computer to cooperate long enough to post paperwork tomorrow but lord almighty I just can’t with you guys I love you all thank you so much))

Deadpool has used several grenades as christmas tree ornaments stand clear while the bombsquad disarm it
Anonymous

Mr. Wilson, please remember that decorating with live firearms is frowned upon. I am impressed as to how you managed to hang them on the tree. Perhaps you can help me with these metal eggs my aunt keeps sending me, they always break the branches…

((Sorry for disappearing, Christmas season brought on two new jobs and lots of family time. My new laptop is on its way, which means lots of new paperwork starting in the new year! Hope everyone has a wonderful end of the year!!))

Who is playing the recording of the Australian Doctor Poo (Doctor who parody) on the PA system?
Anonymous

Someone who may no longer work here. That really all comes down to how the Doctor feels about it.

Also the Winchester brothers (i don't know them) asked about figuring out how a gun worked and I said I was busy and if I could find the time i'd ask so what can I tell them? The Doctor (again)
Anonymous

I’m rather certain they’re trying to mess with you, sir, as I’m positive they are aware of how a gun functions.  Or they’re impostors.  If you could round them up and bring them in to one of our secure holding facilities, that would be nice. Always best to double check, right?

What is the proper paperwork for nuking things from orbit?
Anonymous

Very, very complicated and lengthy and probably above your paygrade and clearance level.

Where's Dr. Hank McCoy? Can you set me up on a date with him?
phoenixrising007

Probably working is my guess, and no, this is the Human Resources Department, not a hookup agency.

"Is there a form for a mutant accidentally drunk-sciencing with Stark and Banner? Also, does it count if said mutant was only there as a tester, and not creating anything? Sorry in advance for lab three. We weren't expecting that to explode. It's good I'm fireproof."
theforgottenfiregirl

I’ll draft up a side form to add on to the drunk science form. For now, I would add that bit wherever there is space on the form. Please do be more careful in the future, even if you are fireproof.

Hulk smash Deadpool!
Anonymous

Hulk is going to have to go into time out then.

Is it just me, or did I just see someone walking by with some of the Macy's Thanksgiving parade balloons?
Anonymous

Put those balloons back where they came from or so help me.

ma'am we have recently found out that someone has decided to get rid of that expired meat from the mess hall that turned green to the captured hydra agent known as bob shall we move forward with moving him to the sick bay for food poisoning he is beginning to foam at the mouth and spasm
Anonymous

Please take him to medical immediately for treatment. Once we find out who’s responsible for this, you can expect severe punishment.

Loki is terrorizing Washington DC. Nuking from orbit now! Is 20 Megatons enough?
Anonymous

I’m not quite sure what is going on here but I’m going to assume that you’re feeling quite good. Perhaps you should go to bed, agent.

HULK SMASH LOLA! *a large crashing sound comes from the garage*
Anonymous

This is a scheduled memo to alert everyone that I will be out of the office for a few days. And that the smashed Lola was a decoy. If anyone’s managed to calm down Agent Coulson, please remind him of this immediately.